I’m not sure how to start this without being melodramatic, so I’ll just spit it out.

Tonight at jiu-jitsu I choked Aaron unconscious. It’s the first time that I’ve ever held a choke to completion. Immediately after I released the choke I thought that I’d caused him permanent brain damage.

The general rumour on the mats is that if the blood supply to the brain is cut off for ten seconds or more you run the risk of doing irreversible damage. I’m not sure how accurate this is, but I’ve heard it often enough that I consider it fact. It sounds reasonable and there’s no such thing as too much safety. As such, it’s important to tap early from chokes as soon as you know they’re sunk in, otherwise you’ll pass out.

The roll started out the same as any other - I fell back to guard and Aaron tried to pass. I saw an opportunity to take Aaron’s back and because of a small mistake he made I was able to capitalize further and secured a crucifix hold on him. It looked somewhat like this (though I secured his left arm with my legs instead):

We both laughed about how Aaron had given me the hold and then we got stuck back into it. I had the choke on fairly tight and he waved his hand around so I thought he was submitting, but I wasn’t sure. I let the choke off and checked that he was in fact tapping, but he said that he wasn’t.

I don’t like it when people (usually senior belts) let a submission off before you have a good chance to escape it. They think they’re helping you by not slapping something on really hard, but I secretly think it’s to protect their ego a little in case you evade, but that’s another story.

I locked in the choke again and set about putting him to sleep. He was fighting it but didn’t really have anywhere to go, and by the time he admitted defeat to himself his eyes were rolling back in his head and he was starting to splutter.

I’ve not held a choke for long enough to have seen these symptoms before, but I was pretty sure they weren’t good or safe, so I immediately let the choke off and untangled myself from him. As I released the choke he had what looked like a mild siezure. There was some shaking and stiffness that lasted for about 3 or 4 seconds. I was still holding him at this point with his head on my leg. I rolled him to his side thinking that the recovery position was probably a good idea, but he was coherent before I finished moving him.

We owe Emma thanks: I’m sure his mouth guard prevented any damage to his teeth during brain-reboot breakdance.

The confusion was apparent - he had a really scared and shocked look on his face and asked where he was and what was going on. I explained that he had passed out and that we were at jiu jitsu, and that he was OK and to take a deep breaths. Once he was fully concious and talking we went and talked to Adam and I told him what had happened.

His first question was “how long was he out for before you let the choke off?” This BJJ stuff is clearly dangerous.

We sat out for a few minutes and had another roll later but I wasn’t feeling it anymore. I didn’t want to engage and was setting stuff up and letting it go, so I thought that it was a good time to leave. I was like Maverick after Goose was killed, where Sundown is all like “we had him man” and Maverick is all like “I will fire when I am god damn good and ready.” Except nobody died in my story, and there were no F-14s. My hands were shaking when I was talking to Roseann and she asked why I was looking pale. The whole thing shook me up.

So who’s fault is it? Aaron has taken responsibility and told me several times he doesn’t blame me, but I still think I have to shoulder some of it. It does take two to tango after all, and I was the one who put him to sleep. Hell, there’d have been no sleeping without me.

The fear I had was that I held the choke for too long, but the more I think about it the more I am certain that as soon as I knew he was out I let it off.

There doesn’t appear to be any damage done - Aaron is as dumb as usual. I was twisted with the thought that ego might have slipped into my jiu-jitsu and that I was trying to make a point. Reflecting on it all though I know there was no malice and no ill intent. It was just part of the game and Aaron should have tapped sooner.

Reading this it might sound like I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. It’s hard to express that sinking, horrific feeling that I had, thinking that I could have just seriously hurt someone I love.