Last night I went on a date with a hot babe.
Maggie and I are trying to make Wednesday nights a time to spend together, seeing as we’re both leading quite busy (and often disconnected) lives. We’ve both got sport a few nights per week and we do coffee with the usual suspects on Monday. This doesn’t leave much time during the week for us to spend together.
So, last night we went bolwing, and it we had a great time. The bowling alley was pretty 80/90s (you know, the cross over period) but surprisingly busy. We played two games each and thanks to the Entertainment Book we only paid for two in total. My first bowl was a strike, but I followed that up with a gutter ball, just to prove it was a fluke. I did nail a few more strikes and won both games. [Insert fist/air-pump here]
Maggie’s arm was starting to hurt from the continuous bowling - with only the two of us there wasn’t much of a break between goes. We played some air hockey which was a lot of fun too.
The only downside was when we came home we seemed to slot back into doing our own thing - I played some SimCity and Mags did the dishes and watched Big Brother. It got us talking about how living together really blurs the lines between when we are and aren’t doing things together.
Just because we’re both at the same place at the same time doesn’t mean we’re together.
Before we lived together we would have to spend real effort to see each other. It was a 30 minute drive and when we were together we were together. There was no computer games or housework - we did things together.
It’s almost like we need hats to wear at home that say “Own Time” and “Together Time” so we can clearly distinguish what’s going on. I think that’s why we both had fun last night bowling because we actually made that distinction and were clearly on “Together Time.”
So, my long winded question is, how do other couples that are now living together, but come from a background where they weren’t (which I think is most couples) manage this problem of defining what mode they’re in? The obvious answer is “communication” so I’m looking for more than that in your replies.
It’s not a case of Maggie not wanting me to waste time playing video games (I hope! :) or me not wanting her to do her own thing, but rather us knowing what the other’s expecting and making sure we’re on the same page.
I find these days almost all of the time I spend at home is with Emma. We generally just flop on the couch and chat or i’m cooking. We hardly ever use the upstairs computer unless Emma is doing an assignment as we can use the laptop and remain in the same room.
Though it does often feel like we aren’t spending much time together during the week when I’m climbing or running and Emma is at pole/uni or wherever.
Accurate description El Marko. One of the big sore points we had in our relationship years ago (pre-living together) was that Mark didn’t make enough time for us to spend together (yes, it was all his fault). That problem pretty much cleared itself up when we moved in together. We spend nearly all of our home time doing things together, which is nice. I think that even if you’re not doing the same thing, just being in the same room helps because you can pipe up with anything you want to say and still interact. This message has been brought to you by Emma’s relationship advice channel.
Jess and I try to spend the times we are at home “together”. This consists of either sitting on the couch chatting, watching TV together, or going out for evening strolls. With Jess playing soccer and me playing hockey we only get to spend about two weekday nights together alone at home. Even that time is short lived with getting home from work in the evening and then going to bed at about 22:00-22:30.
We make the most of our weekends together. I watch Jess’s (Sunday arvo) soccer games and she watched my (Saturday Night) Hockey games. Occasionally we garden together!
The only thing I do on my own is watch Lost and Stargate. I’m hoping to add Battlestar Galactica to my list of TV shows, if 10 bring it back!
The problem I’m seeing is that being in the same house but doing our own thing isn’t classed as spending time together, even if we’re in the same room.
Maybe I need to get Maggie more involved in cooking dinner with me and I need to do the dishes with her… so we’re actively on the same task at once.
Her doing the dishes and me sitting watching TV is us each isolating ourselves without any physical boundries. If that makes sense.
Both Anna and myself work full time. By the time we spend 50 odd hours a week working and then I spend another 20-25 hours a week training.. most of my other time is spent either sleeping or watching movies half asleep. I put aside Sundays for “together time”. We usually go out for a walk, picnic etc… but sometimes just lay about the house doing our own thing which suffices as well. During winter I put aside another night a week as during summer I am usually off in the country somewhere on sundays.
But as I always say… “women are like puppies, they require alot of attention and keeping happy, but throw them a really big bone and you can leave them alone and happy for days”.
Clearly, I’m not the right person to be asking, as my answer was kicking him out …. :D
But I think your idea of getting Magda “I-have-a-sore-arm-from-bowling” (that made me fall off my chair with laughter) involved in the cooking, & you helping with the dishes is a good one. You always end up chatting about stuff when you do those activities.
And Magda good learn the mad skillz from you, RE: cooking.
Back in the day…when I was in a ‘live in’ relationship, our first home was in Broome. We had almost no possessions including no computer and no TV, so we spent a lot of time together hanging out because there wasn’t really anything else to do (oh yeah and we liked each others company).
Then as we ammassed more stuff we found ourselves just doing our own thing a lot. We had to do what you guys have done and set aside special time to be together. Even if it was just going for a stroll a long the beach. The thing I also found is you have make sure it is a top priority, or you will never find the time. It seems like a small thing, but over time if you don’t make the time, what’s the point having someone in your life if you don’t spend time with them? You might as well just go out and buy a cat instead.
Apart time is just as important though, you don’t want to loose track of where you end and they begin.
Niko and I had found they same problem just a few month’s ago, as we both work shift work, and never had enough time together. We both sat down and had a chat, which was quite helpful. I was fortunate enough that I changed my days off, so that they were matching (mon & tues). This helped heaps, as one of the days was to catch up on shopping, cleaning, spending time together, and the other day to do what we want (either individually, or together). This is working really well…. and will hopefully stay that way!
Never done it, so I can’t comment directly …
What interests me is that I realise you are at an early part of your relatioship in comparison to, but have you talked to your parents? I think in our group we have some pretty steady marriages to look at as ‘role models’, I know personally I do in my parents.
I just don’t think that the relationship thing has had to change that much in 30 odd years, just the acts I guess, not the generic stuff like Matt was asking about. I’m pretty sure if they could remember they might have come across the same problems before…
This sort of stuff can turn into a bugbear though so it’s good you’ve addressed it earlier, hopefully you don’t see it as a bigger issue thatn it might be though. :)
More dates. Less sitting at home.
Gordo and I spend a lot of time hanging out together, and I think that helps a lot. Now that Gordo’s working shifts at the hotel, we don’t have every evening at home together, and it means that the time we do spend together we tend to want to catch up on what we’ve been doing that day and so on.
And at the moment, we’ve got a lot planned for the time we’ve got off together … the newness of London hasn’t worn off yet, so there’s a lot of exploring we like to do together.
However, having said all that, we also have a lot of time when we have time to ourselves and do our own thing. Obviously there are evenings when I’m home without Gordo and vice versa. So far it’s working well.
Back in Perth when we had the same schedules, it seemed to work too … we’d have evenings when we’d do our own thing, and others when we hung out together.
And now I’ve just blabbed on about me and not offered anything helpful …
I reckon the idea of going on a date is a fantastic one. Arrange to do something fun together on the weekends too, perhaps? Try to spend more time together in the evenings instead of your own thing, perhaps?
I reckon you’ve already got great ideas, and it’s obviously something you want to change. Just change what you think you need to and you’ll be great together. :)
I agree with Hale. That’s the answer. I’d also add to that, less computer time. Computer time usually consumes both partners (if they have one each).
So in a nutshell,
1. Less computer/tv (unless you share a favourite show/website).
2. Home time together would be meals (at the table), bed (for sex and sleep, not arguing), shower (if it’s big enough) and that’s about it.
Everything else, you need to get out of the house together or it just feels like a housemate.
definitely interesting question
with running online business it sometimes needs a lot of attention afterhours…so we try and do a day together on the weekend and have the other day for our own stuff/random around the house doing crapping tidying etc
i need a lot of time to myself (thinking and plotting time) and if i dont get it i get very irritated so if i need some tully time im straight out with it
busy period at work=working long hours for several days in a row so that means that tashi sometimes get lumped with a lot of the cleaning and house tasks so i try and spend half a day at home every fortnight when the cleaner is here organising and fixing general things around the house that he normally does too
we also found that not turning on the tv at night is a good move-if there’s something we really want to watch we’ll just download it and watch it on our schedule minus ads as opposed to being dictated by the tv guide